I know I haven’t written here for ages. Lots of things happened in this gap of time, but I wasn’t able to express it in words. The losses, the insights, they made me close myself to the world. Somehow… I don’t feel the urge to write or to say anymore. I feel like the more I say, the more I will have to explain myself. And I will get more hurt. But I will try to do it more often, I will try to go through the stinging and the hurt.
As some of you know, my mother has cancer. She won’t last too long, say the doctors. And what I feel is that I am losing one of my best friends, and I cannot do anything to stop it. And it is hard to say goodbye. But it is a subject for another post.
Here I want to talk about the classic question I hear everyday: “How is she doing?” – Yes, I know there are people concerned about that, or there are people that are doing that just do be polite. The problem stays in what should I answer. If I answer that she is good, I feel like I am saying a big fat lie. Of course, she’s not good. If she were good, she would be there running around the house and having arguments with me. But no, she is there, almost not moving, almost not talking, depressive. But if I say she is bad, people will start thinking that she is dying, which is also not (so) true.
Every time someone asks me this question, I want to vanish before I can answer it. I hate lying, and everytime I answer this question, I feel like I am lying.
